Sunday, March 15, 2009

Things I Fantasize about Doing to Upstairs Neighbor

Here is a list of things I fantasize about doing to Upstairs Neighbor, also known as Douchebag Upstairs Neighbor, Bigfoot, or Stompee McGee.
1. Sending him a card through the mail that says, "You really need to take a load off and relax." Maybe the card will have adorable kittens on the front.
2. Baking him muffins laced with rohypnal and leaving them at his door with a note saying, "A birdy told me you're going through a rough time. Try to get some sleep tonight, buddy."
3. Slipping a note under his door that says, "We often hope you'll get a venereal disease. FYI." This one could also have kittens on the front.
4. Planting drugs in his apartment and then calling the cops.
5. Rubbing one of Stella's poopy diapers all over his doorknob.
6. Waiting until 4 or 5am, when he finally goes to sleep, and then banging on the ceiling under his bedroom for 2 - 3 hours.
7. Getting our mafia connections to shake him down.
8. Gathering up the feral cats from our building's courtyard and stuffing them all in his apartment during one of the rare times he actually leaves it.
9. Punching him in his fat, ugly, bearded face.
10. Leaving him a care package with thick rugs, chair felts, a copy of the city's sound code, Sleepytime Tea, and Tylenol PM to help him sleep.
11. Suing him for ruining the quality of our lives.
12. Things far more sinister, believe me, but not appropriate for sharing.

What have we done about our buddy, you ask?
1. Talked to him personally 4 times and leaving him a nice note 1 time. He either denies that it's him or tells us that if we don't like noise, we should move to the country.
2. Talked to our sweet super. He told me the guy's wife left him and he's losing it a bit. I said that made me feel bad. The super said, "Oh, don't feel bad for that guy."
3. Called the building 4 times. Dave will call them a 5th time on Monday. They claim their lawyers have spoken with him. They also only work from 10 - 10:30am each day and are the folks who gave us a hard time about the lead paint in our apartment.
4. Called 311 twice and filed complaints with the police department. We will do this each and every time he makes inappropriate noise at inappropriate hours. Such as seemingly dragging an anvil across the apartment over and over again while wearing steel-toed boots. At 2am. Maybe he is a modern-day Sisyphus. One that looks like Rob Reiner's heavier and uglier cousin.


Kellygirlnyc said...

Maybe he's a vampire. Or a serial killer with a penchant for killing really heavy people with steel-toed boots on. Maybe, most probably, he's an ass that thinks his s%&$ doesn't stink.

In any case, I vote for #10. :)

Tiffanie said...

uggh! i have had neighbors like that! come to think of it, i wrote a short story about that in college! it had a (cheesy) romantic ending; i'm guessing yours won't. . i love the new main picture! she looks like she has some mischief in her ~ is that what you meant by, like mommy like daughter? ; )

Incubus527 said...

Man, my upstairs neighbor sucks too....A couple weeks ago he was up until 8 am. Yes, I did say 8. I was soooooooooooooooo pissed.

matthew houskeeper said...

Just found your blog by googling REVENGE UPSTAIRS NOISE APARTMENT.
No kids, just a constant all night furniture moving, endless pacing,slaming doors, yelling etc.
Landlord gives us a big runaround.

antigua said...

Just came across your blog. As I type the 7 yr old is running in circles from the front to the back of the apartment while his elephant foot mother obliviously walks to and fro with no goal in sight except to drive me crazy. I listen to this all day! I work from home, she works nowhere! Tried the talking thing, along w/ the super and landlord thing. I just get the run around and a warning about not paying rent late. Right now I'm just looking to move. They can have the place! Anybody know of an apt for rent in BK for less than $950?