Sunday, April 4, 2010

Insomnia

Back in the seemingly endless days of waking every 1.5 hours to breastfeed, I never could have imagined a day like today: sleeping in until 9am, the whole family taking a 2 hour nap in the middle of the day, Stella asking to go to bed after a long afternoon of outdoor play at 7:30pm. And our precious, wonderful Stella, drifting off to sleep on her own, in her bed, me and Dave hanging out downstairs doing absolutely nothing to make it happen.

I also couldn't have imagined that I'd EVER have trouble sleeping again, not after realizing how precious it is, but here I am, driven by insomnia to read the Huffington Post, check my Facebook page obsessively, and add yet another blog entry for this week.

I stress ate some matzo (despite its toll on my digestive system), drank some diet soda (despite my wishes to consume mostly natural products and my fervent wish that it was really beer) and now I seek further distractions.

Because there are too many big decisions that must be made in mere days.

Because there is an endless eddy of things to worry about.

Because I miss so many people so profoundly that I don't know what to do with myself.

Because I need to have a sense of where my life is headed and that is the one thing I can't seem to get right now.

Because money is starting to become a major issue for us, and not in a good way.

Because I remind myself to count my blessings and then I feel overwhelmed by the enormous amount of blessings I have that I can't possibly deserve.

Because I love Dave and Stella so much that I think I'm going to burst right open and soil our already troubled laptop computer right here and now.

Because this love makes life sticky and complicated and amazing and totally worth living. But it can also make it hard to settle down and go to sleep.

Or maybe that's just because I slept too much already today.

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