Here is a list of things I fantasize about doing to Upstairs Neighbor, also known as Douchebag Upstairs Neighbor, Bigfoot, or Stompee McGee.
1. Sending him a card through the mail that says, "You really need to take a load off and relax." Maybe the card will have adorable kittens on the front.
2. Baking him muffins laced with rohypnal and leaving them at his door with a note saying, "A birdy told me you're going through a rough time. Try to get some sleep tonight, buddy."
3. Slipping a note under his door that says, "We often hope you'll get a venereal disease. FYI." This one could also have kittens on the front.
4. Planting drugs in his apartment and then calling the cops.
5. Rubbing one of Stella's poopy diapers all over his doorknob.
6. Waiting until 4 or 5am, when he finally goes to sleep, and then banging on the ceiling under his bedroom for 2 - 3 hours.
7. Getting our mafia connections to shake him down.
8. Gathering up the feral cats from our building's courtyard and stuffing them all in his apartment during one of the rare times he actually leaves it.
9. Punching him in his fat, ugly, bearded face.
10. Leaving him a care package with thick rugs, chair felts, a copy of the city's sound code, Sleepytime Tea, and Tylenol PM to help him sleep.
11. Suing him for ruining the quality of our lives.
12. Things far more sinister, believe me, but not appropriate for sharing.
What have we done about our buddy, you ask?
1. Talked to him personally 4 times and leaving him a nice note 1 time. He either denies that it's him or tells us that if we don't like noise, we should move to the country.
2. Talked to our sweet super. He told me the guy's wife left him and he's losing it a bit. I said that made me feel bad. The super said, "Oh, don't feel bad for that guy."
3. Called the building 4 times. Dave will call them a 5th time on Monday. They claim their lawyers have spoken with him. They also only work from 10 - 10:30am each day and are the folks who gave us a hard time about the lead paint in our apartment.
4. Called 311 twice and filed complaints with the police department. We will do this each and every time he makes inappropriate noise at inappropriate hours. Such as seemingly dragging an anvil across the apartment over and over again while wearing steel-toed boots. At 2am. Maybe he is a modern-day Sisyphus. One that looks like Rob Reiner's heavier and uglier cousin.